Why do we care what others think?
Why do we care so much about what others think about us?
Why do so many of us find ourselves desperately seeking the validation & approval of others?
And why does it hurt so much when we don’t get it?
Let’s explore!
Neuroscience research from 2013 (Meshi, Morawetz & Heekeren, 2013) found that when we receive positive social feedback about our reputation or character, it feels good because it activates a part of the brain known as the ventral striatum - this is a reward-centre.
The problem is that if you pay too much attention to receiving praise, then you might attach your sense of self to that praise, which may lead you to do things which are inauthentic, but allow you to receive more praise. As you can imagine, this quickly becomes a dangerous & slippery slope…
We also know that when you don’t receive the approval you seek, it can feel like a form of social rejection, and rejection activates the same areas of the brain as when you experience physical pain - it hurts! (Eisenberger, Lieberman, Williams, 2003)
So…
👉 Try and detach yourself from your desire for validation & approval. If you notice it, ask yourself, “where does this desire stem from? What has led me to feel ‘less than’?”
👉 If you notice your sense of worth becoming attached to how others see you, remind yourself that you are inherently worthy. Recall your character strengths & the value you bring.
👉 Find ways to be of service to others- this is one of the most powerful ways to quieten the ego and restore a feeling of value and dignity.
The Research:
Meshi, D., Morawetz, C., & Heekeren, H. R. (2013). Nucleus accumbens response to gains in reputation for the self relative to gains for others predicts social media use. Frontiers in human neuroscience, 7, 439.
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290-292.
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